You didn't really play that whole conversation out in your head first, did you?

M: So, my brother went on a first date with this girl and things went well, and he's pretty sure there's going to be a second date.
Me: Ok...that's good.
M: And her birthday is Wednesday, so he wants to do something for her, like send her flowers or something, but roses wouldn't be a good idea, right?
Me: Yeah, that might be a little too much too soon.
M: So, what should he do?
Me: Uhm...well, definitely not carnations either.
M: Why?
Me: Because they're cheap. And girls know it.
M: Girls are dumb.
Me: Do you realize you just called to ask if your brother could get a girl flowers after they've gone on one date and we've been dating for six months and I've never gotten flowers.
M: We're about to go into a tunnel, with an elevator, in a dead spot...
Me: *sigh*

Happy Holidays!

In one of my top 10 feel good moments of the year, when I asked my boyfriend how he wanted to handle our Christmas (this is our first one as a couple and we won't actually be together on Christmas), he suggested we adopt a family from the Salvation Army and buy them Christmas presents instead.  If you know me, you know that suggesting something like this is one sure way to make my heart melt into a gooey ball of happiness.  Which it promptly did.

We spent the majority of the day this past Sunday shopping for bikes and remote control trucks (two of the things the boys put on their wish lists) and with the help of some sort of early Christmas miracle, we made it through six hours of shopping among throngs of other holiday shoppers without disagreeing about ANYTHING. 

So today we had our Christmas, which means during lunch, I picked him up at his office and we drove all our gifts downtown and dropped them off at the Salvation Army.  It was possibly the most romantic thing I've ever done with anyone.

I lost 100 pounds on a diet of nothing but tofurkey

I love am profoundly creeped out by how smart the internet is.  Like, how someone tracks your facebook status and when you have the dreaded "Stephanie is no longer listed as in a relationship" (complete with the really sad little broken heart icon) change, you start getting ads for dating services on the side.  Without a mourning period.

Or like when I tweated once about the crying baby in Target being an amazing form of birth control, I suddently have all these weird Mommyblog followers, one of which was called Thelaughingbaby.  And let me tell you, using a head shot of a laughing baby as your profile pic is not creepy.  Not at all.

Or like how I have ads on the side of my blog for drain cleaners because I posted two things about having a clogged drain.  Because you know what else was in that blog?  A lot about how I ALMOST KILLED MY MOTHER.  Maybe an ad for some sort of counseling service would be more appropriate?

It makes me want to say random crap just to see who will follow me or what kind of ads I can get to pop up.  Like hair plugs. Natural male enhancement. Marshmallow peeps.

Work it

So let's have a little conversation about how I'm not supposed to post things about my boyfriend on my blog (or twitter, or facebook...).  Is this fair of him to ask this? Absolutely. This should not be the forum for me to air out our issues.  The world does not need to hear about it (ha! see how I just implied that *so* many people read my blog and follow me on twitter).  But, if not here, where? Should there be a place? Do people still keep diaries?  I mean seriously, I can't imagine..."Dear Diary, Today I had got into a stupid fight with my boyfriend..."  Ack! I don't know...I adore him, I'm gushy right now, even though we had a long "discussion" that started out as an almost-argument, but ended in a really great conversation. I understand now, that because we are coming into this with some really different life experiences, this relationship might to take a litte more work up front for both of us.  But this one, well, it's worth it.

I think there's some sort of karmic imbalance in my life

Tuesday was not what you would call a highlight for my mom and me in the "Wonderful Moments in Our Relationship" reel (see here).  In addition to that gem, we had several other equally non-productive conversations about my clogged shower drain.  After about three hours of pouring Draino down the drain, taking apart multiple pieces of plumbing, putting the plumbing back together, testing it, taking it apart again, snaking, snaking, snaking, snaking, and more snaking, still with no luck, I collapsed on the couch in a ball of frustration and was whining to my boyfriend over the phone.  And then I heard a knock at my door.  I was literally in the next room, but I clearly did not answer the door quickly enough.

"Hellooooo?"  Her head popped around the corner.

"Crap, it's my mom, I'll call you back."

"How's it going?  Did you fix it?"  I just stared at her.  "Still clogged, huh?"  Again, just staring.  "It sounds like it might be tree roots."

"Oh my God, Mom!"

I suppose she took that as her cue to stop talking about my drain.  Which, on the one hand was good, but she apparently missed the cue to just LEAVE, and spent the next five minutes making small talk about many, many, many things that I don't care anything about until the voice in my head screaming "OH MY GOD I DON'T CARE WHAT KIND OF DOG YOUR CO-WORKER IS ADOPTING" became so deafening that I couldn't hear anything else.  I guess my lack of interest made her mad because she kind of just stormed out.  Maybe I said those things out loud.  Who knows.

But when she offered to meet the plumber at my house yesterday so I didn't have to leave work early, I felt pretty guilty for being, well, a bitch, and I made sure to thank her profusely and made a mental note to maybe try a little harder to be nice in the future.  Until I actually got home.  Yes, my drain was completely unclogged.  Yay for showering again!  But, this was the first thing I saw when I walked in the door.

My dogs are REALLY bad about getting into the trash, so I keep it in the basement and keep the door shut.  Also?  I keep my bathroom door shut FOR THE SAME REASON.  But, that one was open too.  This is what was in my bedroom:

I went to bed at 9:00; I was seriously done with yesterday.

Let's just say it's a good thing I don't own a gun

Me: I have a clog in my shower drain.
Mom: It's probably tree roots.  You're going to have to call someone.
Me: But I haven't even tried Draino yet.
Mom: DON'T USE DRAINO!
Me: ????
Mom: If you use Draino, a plumber won't even touch your plumbing...it's too caustic.
Me: ????
Mom: It's probably tree roots, you should call someone.
Me: *sigh* I have to go.
Mom: Ok, well let me know if you need a number for someone to get the tree roots out.

I just got a "why don't you like me any more" email from my 64 year old mother

Every now and then, I have a girl moment (see here).  And I *might* have a tendency to over-think things just a bit.  I kind of assumed this was something that I would eventually get over.  But perhaps not...

This morning I had an email from my mom, who I saw yesterday from a distance while I was letting my dogs run around on our family property.  She was out working in the field, helping an archaeologist survey some Hopewell mounds (this story could get complicated really quickly), so I waved and didn't bother to walk out there, thinking my dogs would just be in the way.  When I left, I waved again.  No big deal, right?  We live literally a mile and a half from each other and see each other all the time.

The email started: "Late last night, while I was wondering why you didn't come out into the field to say hi yesterday..."  What?  Late last night?  As in, you were losing sleep over this?  And you didn't just call to ask me?  And this was the first thing on your mind again this morning?

I guess I know who to blame the next time I want to go postal on my boyfriend for forgetting to call me back.